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1-The boys and I hiking in North Carolina this summer....I was about to take my t-shirt off and my arm is in my shirt.... but otherwise a great picture....
2-The boys and I at the beach this summer
3-Me
dawn
Back again...
Fall seems to be my trigger, I guess... for staying inside, reflecting.... searching inside of myself and wondering... many things go through my mind and touch my heart.... so many things I suppose I am not ready to admit... I let them float around in there and I hurt... but to let the ideas, the wants, the fears, the insecurities fly from my fingertips.... just makes me vulnerable, open, accessed.... if this makes any sense at all I suppose it doesn't matter... in the whole scheme of things it is only I who fears and cries and bleeds from the inside out.... sometimes I hurt so much that it travels across my shoulders, down my arms and into my fingertips... an ACTUAL physiological pain... it doesn't linger long but just the brief pain is enough to make you not forget... I have been a mother for half of my life... amazing isn't it when you put it out there... half of my life... and I was ready and I wanted it and I needed it and I was and have been so proud of my being a mother... nothing fulfilled me more.... and then circumstances being what they are, my children were ripped from me.... I see them walking away from me and I scream to them I beg and plead with my eyes and heart and my whole being but they have been blinded and made deaf... to me.... money.... money... money... I would have typed it out more only to see what even the letters spelled out on the page did to me... but it does nothing... it moves nothing in me.... I wish I could share more but I fear that putting it all out there in plain simple terms would only come across as a ranting from a crazy woman.... being replaced... by things she has no control over....
Had some wonderful news today. My oldest son, Caleb, is in his freshman year at King College. He was given the opportunity to attend this college because of his wrestling accomplishments and was offered a scholarship.
Upon entering his freshman year, he was faced with a number of difficult situations. The academic load proved to be a heavy one and the standards for King College are higher than most other colleges. The academic load coupled with the wrestling regimen was almost more than he could bear. He did manage A's in his first semester but the cutting weight, work outs in the middle of the night, drives across country with the team and practices every day, tested Caleb's very core.
Anyone who knows Caleb, is impressed and enamoured with his character. (I realize that I am the mom... but it's true!) A Christian in heart, mind and spirit, no one doubted where Caleb stood on his beliefs. He lived his life to honor God and through high school and his first year at college he never faltered.
Somewhere in the middle of the season, Caleb decided that he didn't want to wrestle anymore. He struggled through the season, knowing that soon he would have to tell everyone that had been counting on him, the decision he had made. He wanted to know what it was like to just be a student. He wanted to focus on his academics without the added worry of wrestling. But he wondered what it was going to be like to be on the other side of the mat. He worried that if he didn't wrestle all four years in college that he would never get the coaching position he hoped for once he graduated. And he wanted to go out big.
All these doubts and worries and every day he plugged on, cutting weight, training just as he was coached to do. determined to follow through to the end and give his best even though deep down he wanted to be finished, he wanted this nightmare to end.
Caleb DID follow through, he made it to Nationals, among the elite. Once at Nationals, Caleb lost two matches and was out of the tournament. He beat himself up for not winning like he thought he should have... he was tired and beaten and for the first time since fifth grade, he found himself on the other side of the mat. He USED to be a good wrestler, instead of BEING a good wrestler.
While still at the National Tournament, the coaches were voting on the one wrestler to win the Champion of Character award... at the end of the tournament, Caleb's name was called as the Champion of Character. An outstanding award, to say the least, but among the doubts and fears swarming Caleb's mind, he barely had time to notice what others had known all along. That Caleb WAS a winner, he excelled where others could not.
Caleb came back to King College to finish out the semester... he got a part time job in Johnson City and was well on his way to moving forward... Today, we are in the middle of the last semester of Caleb's freshman year and he is working hard at his goal to be a teacher and a coach. Hoping that his decision was the right one... hoping that it won't be too hard to stand at his brother's wrestling matches and know that he is no longer part of the competition.
But today there was an answer to prayer, evidence that God knew all along what the plan for Caleb was...and evidence that His hand is in our lives every day.
Coach Brimer, Head Coach at Greeneville High School, is retiring this year. His youngest son graduates in May and Coach Brimer will be leaving with him. Coach Brimer had Caleb as a wrestler for six years and had ample time to witness the type of young man he has become. With Coach Brimer leaving, Coach Shelton, the current Assistant Coach, will be moving up to the Head Coaching position.
This morning Caleb got a call from Coach Shelton. Caleb was offered the position of Assistant Coach at Greeneville High School. A paid position, doing what Caleb loves to do. Coach Shelton said that he and Coach Brimer had been discussing the Assistant Coach position and that he knew that there was no on else in this world that he would want MORE as an Assistant Coach than Caleb Myers......... And the icing on the cake is that Justin, Caleb's brother, will be a senior next year and Cody, Caleb's other brother will be a freshman... and Caleb will be coaching them.
The only thing I could say to Caleb that showed him where my pride lay was this: "It was your character that got you here, not your ability in wrestling. And all of the work and the follow through, WAS realized, seen and honored... Congratulations, son. I am so proud of you"
I love you - Mom
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Been a While...
Tags: 
saturday
saturdayBeen a while since I have written... I don't know why I do this... I go for months at a time where I am so busy I can't focus enough to write anything, then I have months at a time where I am prolific and remember the healing properties involved in my writing just about everything.
I am now in school full time at ETSU... and working full time... hoping that I can graduate before my son does. I have done this a thousand times, it seems... going to school until I can't afford it anymore, stopping and working in order to boost my checking account, then go back to school and by the end of the semester, scraping to make ends meet... but I want it so bad.... I want to graduate so bad I can taste it.... eventually, it'll happen.... hopefully before all of my kids have made it through college... but if not, it's ok... I do what I have to do and take it one day at a time... 3 semesters left... I wonder how long it will take me to get through 3 more semesters...
Lately I have felt like Sally, in the Peanuts cartoon... sitting behind her little booth with the sign that reads: "The Psychologist is IN".... I want someone to turn my sign around.... the doctor is NOT IN.... (Does it say doctor or does it say Psychologist?) Anyway, I seem to be a magnet lately for everyone else to dump on... and I should not have used such a negative descriptive word , I guess... "dump on" sounds as if I am not flattered that some would seek me out for counsel... I am flattered that others would trust me with their "Innermost, whatevers" and I'll admit, I am good at it...I have a way of looking at all angles and am never afraid to play the devil's advocate in most situations and can point out views that the worried, angry, concerned etc.. may have missed in the heat of the moment...however, I suppose what that descriptive word DOES do is it describes how overwhelmed I have been lately with the responsibility of others worries, concerns, problems, etc....
I am tired and I am busy and I tell no one, I have a difficult time saying "no" when matters of the heart are concerned and lately it seems everything is a matter of the heart...
Well, I have to head out for a while and I suppose later, I may jump back on here and finish my thoughts for today.... - Dawn -
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It's My Birthday!
... I love my birthday! I love doing nothing on my birthday... of course, right now I am procrastinating... my farrier is coming and I should be out there catching horses... instead I am sitting in here... BUT... it's my birthday and I can procrastinate if I want to... right?
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